


I Can't Live (If Living Is Without You)

by SchalaDresdan



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Coughing, Hanahaki Disease, Hospitalization, M/M, Major Illness, Panic Attacks, Secrets, YOI Rare Pair Week 2021
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:02:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28586166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchalaDresdan/pseuds/SchalaDresdan
Summary: Guang-Hong has been worried about Leo's persistent cough for months. And it only seems to be getting worse...
Relationships: Leo de la Iglesia/Ji Guang-Hong
Comments: 46
Kudos: 15
Collections: YOI Rare Pair Week 2021





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> CW: This story will contain fairly graphic scenes of a character coughing up blood and flowers. Please do not continue if this will bother you.
> 
> This story is for the third day of YOI Rare Pair Week 2021, using the prompt "Secrets." 
> 
> I would like to thank Lissa [(her Twitter account)](https://twitter.com/honibee_arts) for the idea for this fic. It was originally her idea to write a Leoji Hanahaki fic, and we live wrote an entire scenario together on a Leoji Discord Server we are both on. While this idea is not exactly like the original concept, it was heavily influenced by the live write, and some scenes remained close to what we originally imagined. 
> 
> And also a big thank you to [Aurone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurone) for betaing this fic.

October  
Rostelecom Cup

Guang-Hong hummed softly as he booted up his computer. _This is one of my favorite parts of competing. When the competition is over, and we finally get to relax. And, if I’m really lucky, Leo is at the same competition, and we get to hang out._

He smiled as his lock screen came up, a picture of him and Leo at the Four Continents the year before. Leo had his arm slung around Guang-Hong’s shoulder as they both smiled widely for the camera, Leo with a bronze medal around his neck. _I didn’t manage to place, but it didn’t seem to matter._

Guang-Hong typed in his password and waited for his computer to finish booting up. He quickly got online and logged on to his online movie collection. He scrolled down his list, looking for a good candidate. _Leo’s coming over for pizza and a movie. What should we watch. Oh, that one!_

He grinned as he queued up the movie and set his laptop on the bed. _Leo should be here soon, he said that he would be here as soon as pizza arrived. I still want to know how he managed to find decent pizza delivery in Moscow…_

_Maybe it’s better not to ask._

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Guang-Hong scrambled off of the bed and hurried to the door. He unlocked it and opened the door to reveal Leo standing in the hallway, holding a pizza box. “Ready?”

Guang-Hong nodded as he moved out of the doorway. “Perfect timing. I just picked out a movie.”

Leo walked into the room and toed off his shoes, leaving them next to Guang’s. “Oh? What are we watching?”

“10 Things I Hate About You.”

Leo looked back at Guang-Hong over his shoulder. “Really? I’m surprised you even _have_ that movie. It’s ancient.”

Guang-Hong stuck out his tongue. “It’s a classic. I like it. And plus, Heath Ledger was really hot.” _It’s a cute movie, and I really like it. It’s one of my favorites._

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to watch it.” Leo sighed as he settled onto the bed, setting the pizza down next to him. 

Guang-Hong grabbed the sodas he had purchased earlier before joining Leo on the bed. He passed one to Leo. “Here, got your favorite.”

Leo accepted the bottle. “Thanks, man.” He turned his head suddenly and coughed, his body shaking as the rough sound filled the room.

“Are you okay?” Guang-Hong touched his shoulder lightly. _That sounds really bad, like he’s getting sick. Is that why he didn’t place?_

Leo waved him off. “It’s fine, just a little cough. Probably caused by the sudden temperature change. Y’know, LA to Russia.”

Guang-Hong nodded slowly. “Okay… As long as you’re sure you’re okay.”

“Yes, I’m fine. Let’s watch the movie.”

“Okay.”

***

 _“... But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.”_ Tears flowed down the character’s face as she confessed her feelings. Guang-Hong sighed and sniffled softly. _This is one of my favorite parts of the movie. And now, after all that has happened, they’re going to be together. I wish I could find someone too…_

Leo coughed into his hand. _He’s been coughing off and on for the whole movie. Is he sure that he’s alright? It sounds so bad._

The coughing continued, the sound harsh and loud. Leo was doubled over from the force of it, his whole body spasming with each cough.

“Leo!”

Leo coughed once more. It was louder and harsher than the rest. _It almost sounds like he’s coughing something up._

Tears stained Leo’s face as the coughing finally subsided. He was gasping for breath, his body shaking, his face pale. He gasped out, “I…” he coughed again, his body wracked with effort. “I think… I should go.”

“Leo… you’re not okay. Stay until you feel better. Please.”

Leo shook his head and clenched his fist tightly as he moved off the bed. “I need to go.” He hurried across the room, stopping only long enough to grab his shoes before he opened the door. 

“Wait, Leo!” The door closed before Guang-Hong could say anymore. 

_What just happened?_

***

January  
A Few Days Before the US Championship

Guang-Hong laid back on his bed and idly scrolled through his Instagram account. _It’s been a long day. I should really go to bed soon…_

He nearly dropped his phone when it started to ring. Guang-Hong quickly answered the call, turning it on speaker. “Leo! Isn’t it like super early there?”

Leo’s voice was rough, like he was barely awake. “Yeah. But I’m going to be at the rink most of the day, and I promised that I would call.”

“I made you promise because I know you won’t have time once your nationals start.”

“I know. At least they’re in LA this year. I don’t have to travel.” 

Guang-Hong nodded. “At least there’s that.” _He sounds so tired, and I don’t think that it’s completely because he just woke up. Honestly, he’s sounded tired for months._

“Are you going to watch?”

 _“Of course_ I’m going to watch, Leo. You know I wouldn’t miss it.” _I’ve watched all of Leo’s performances that I could, ever since we first became friends._

Leo made a choking sound, which quickly turned into a deep, harsh cough. The coughing was so bad that Guang-Hong heard Leo retching, the force of the coughing too much for his body to bear. 

It seemed to last forever. Guang-Hong held his breath, waiting for the coughing to subside. _He’s had this cough for months. Ever since the Grand Prix. But whenever I ask about it, he tries to brush it off._

“It sounds like it’s getting worse.”

Leo was gasping for breath. His voice was barely a whisper. “Yeah.”

Guang-Hong closed his eyes. “Have you seen a doctor?”

“No. I’ll be okay. I have cough medicine. And my abuela gave me some kind of herbal tea the other day. It seems to help.”

“Leo. You need to see a doctor. It’s not normal for a cough to last this long.” _And I’m scared. I’m scared that you’re really sick._

Leo sighed. “Okay. I’ll go to the doctor. After nationals.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

***

A Few Days Later

Guang-Hong grunted slightly as he landed on the bed, his computer open on his lap. _I need to hurry and get the livestream up. His group is supposed to be on the ice soon._

He clicked on the link and closed his eyes, praying that the stream would start. He smiled as he heard the audio start and opened his eyes to see the final men’s group warming up on the ice. It was not hard for Guang-Hong to pick Leo out amongst his competitors. 

Guang-Hong’s smile faded as he watched Leo skate around the rink. He was coughing into his hand and rubbing his sternum, like his chest hurt. _Should he be performing? He’s sick!_

Guang-Hong shook his head. _No, if he was really sick, his coach would have pulled him from the competition. I just have to believe what Leo told me. It’s just a cough. He promised to go to the doctor once nationals are over. He’ll be fine. Right?_

Leo faltered slightly, nearly falling to the ice. Guang-Hong’s eyes went wide. _He nearly fell. Leo almost fell, just skating around the ice. His coach should pull him, right? He shouldn’t perform._

Guang-Hong’s breath was shallow, quick. It felt like there was something on his chest, keeping him from breathing. _He’s going to hurt himself. And… there’s nothing that I can do about it. I can’t stop him. Even if I was there, I couldn’t stop him._

The warm-up time ended and the competitors filed off the ice, leaving Leo on the ice alone. He coughed again as he moved to the sideboards. His coach was scowling. Guang-Hong couldn’t make out what she was saying, but she appeared to be angry at Leo. _Please. Please stop him._

Leo shook his head and pushed off away from the boards. Guang-Hong felt tears come to his eyes as he watched Leo move to take his starting position. The camera zoomed in on Leo’s face. 

_Leo… I’ve never seen him look like that…_

His skin was pallid. There were dark bruises under his bloodshot eyes. He coughed as he moved to the center ice, the force of his coughing causing him to double over. 

The coughing intensified, sending Leo to his knees. The harsh sound of his coughing was loud, invasive, as it echoed off of the walls of the rink. 

And then it stopped as Leo slumped forward onto the ice. 

Guang-Hong’s hand flew to his mouth, barely keeping him from screaming. 

Medics rushed out onto the ice, carrying a stretcher. They gently loaded Leo onto the stretcher and carried him off of the ice. 

On the ice where Leo had fallen, nothing remained save a single blood-stained flower.


	2. I Run to You

_ He’s got hanahaki? Did he know? How could he not? Why didn’t he tell me?  _

_ He’s going to die, isn’t he? Leo’s going to die. I need to go. I need to see him. Maybe I can… _

Guang-Hong buried his head in his hands, tears flowing freely down his face.  _ Maybe I can what? Convince him to get the surgery? He knew he was sick, and he wouldn’t even see a doctor.  _

_ There’s no way that he’ll get the surgery. _

He felt like his heart was breaking.  _ I’m going to lose my best friend. He’s going to die, and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it.  _

_ Who is it? Who is he in love with? Who is he willing to die for? _

_ I just… I can’t…  _

_ I don’t know what to do. _

***

Guang-Hong didn’t know how much time had passed. The livestream was dark, the event long over. His eyes felt sore and swollen, his chest tight. He blinked, trying to get his eyes to focus. 

_ I can’t save him. But I can go see him. I need to. This might be my last chance. _

He booked a ticket to Los Angeles, leaving in about 3 hours.  _ Good. That means that no one will have time to stop me. I need to pack. And call a taxi. I can call Coach from the airport. She’ll try to talk me out of this. But I have to. _

Guang-Hong closed his computer and pushed himself up off the bed. He quickly packed his suitcase, making sure that he had clothes for an extended stay.  _ I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I’ll stay as long as he wants me to. _

He slipped his laptop into his backpack and double checked that he had the charger for it, his phone, and his handheld gaming system.  _ It’s odd. I should be more panicked, shouldn’t I? I’m packing to leave for God only knows how long, without telling anyone. To go and see my best friend for what could very well be the last time. I should be feeling  _ **_something_ ** _. But I feel… numb. _

His phone dinged, alerting him that his taxi had arrived. Guang-Hong checked his pockets, making sure that he had his wallet, passport, and phone. Then he picked up his backpack and grasped the handle of his suitcase and, pausing only long enough to turn off the lights, walked out the door.

***

Three Hours Later

Guang-Hong sighed as he sat down in the airplane seat. He clicked his seatbelt into place and sat back against the backrest.  _ I made it. It was tighter than I thought it would be, after packing and driving to the airport. For a little while, I was afraid that I wouldn’t make it through security in time. _

_ Coach was… not as angry as I was afraid she would be. I think she already knew.  _

Guang-Hong shook his head.  _ Of course she did. Leo’s collapse is already all over the news.  _

He sighed as he scrolled through the multiple text messages he had received while rushing to make his flight.  _ So many of our friends have reached out. They know how close we are.  _

Guang-Hong turned off his phone and stuck it in the back pocket of the seat in front of him. He sighed, his body sagging back against the seat.  _ I should try to get some sleep, if I can. It’s going to be a long flight, and it’s not like there’s anything that I can do until I get there. Coach promised that she would reach out to Leo’s coach, find out what hospital he’s in. So by the time I get to LA, hopefully I’ll know where I’m going. _

He closed his eyes and settled back against the headrest. He was asleep before the plane even reached the runway.

***

Several Hours Later

Guang-Hong rubbed his eyes as he stepped out of the taxi. He took a deep breath as he shouldered his backpack and accepted his suitcase from the driver.  _ I’m here. It took me nearly a full day, but I’m here. I hope that they let me see him.  _

He walked into the hospital and shivered slightly as the cooler air inside hit him. His nose crinkled at the familiar and unpleasant disinfectant smell. Guang-Hong quickly spotted the elevators and made his way over to them, hitting the button to go up. 

_ Coach didn’t just get the hospital for me, she managed to get Leo’s room number too.  _

The elevator opened. Guang-Hong stepped inside and hit the button for the 6th floor. No one else was in the elevator with him as the doors slowly shut.  _ At least he isn’t in intensive care. Then I probably couldn’t see him. But since he’s just in a normal room, there shouldn’t be a problem. _

Guang-Hong tapped his foot nervously as he waited for the elevator to reach the 6th floor. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the doors opened. Guang-Hong stepped out of the elevator and into the hallway. He checked the signs, making sure that he was heading in the right direction, before walking down the hallway towards Leo’s room.

He slowed down as he approached the room.  _ I can hear people talking. They sound upset. Is that coming from Leo’s room? _

As Guang-Hong got closer, he could start to make out the conversation coming from inside the room. 

“You need to get the surgery.” The man’s voice was harsh, authoritative.

“No.” Leo’s voice was quiet, raspy, but unmistakable.

“Leo. You’ll die without the surgery. Please.” The woman sounded like she was crying.

Guang-Hong paused outside the doorway.  _ I shouldn’t be listening to this. _

“I can’t. If I can’t love him, I don’t want to live.”

“You’re being irrational.” The man, who had to be Leo’s father, retorted.

“I refuse to let you cut out my feelings for him.” Leo coughed loudly, the sound sickening. Guang-Hong paled at the sound.  _ He’s dying. He’s really dying. _

Guang-Hong moved into the doorway, where he could see Leo. He was pale, paler than Guang-Hong had ever seen him. Bright red blood stained his hand, a few petals stuck to his palm. 

“Mijo, please. Think about what you’re doing…” His mother reached out and grasped his hand, tears falling down her face. “You can still find love after the surgery.”

Leo’s eyes were determined as he shouted, “I would rather die than stop loving Guang!”

Guang-Hong’s heart thumped painfully in his chest. All of the air left his lungs in a rush as the blood drained from his face. “What…?”

Leo’s eyes widened in shock. “Guang…?”

Guang-Hong struggled to breathe. It felt like someone was pushing down on his chest, the pressure almost too much to bear. “It’s me? It’s my fault…”

He stumbled back into the hall, his legs threatening to give out from under him. “You’re dying… and it’s all my fault.”

“No… Wait. It’s not…” Leo reached out towards Guang-Hong.

“It is! You’re dying… and I’m the one that’s killing you.” Guang-Hong took another step back. His heart was beating too fast, his breath too shallow.  _ I can’t…  _

Leo’s eyes were bright, tears starting to make their way down his cheeks “But I… I never told you.”

Guang-Hong tightened his hands into fists. “If you had told me, you wouldn’t be dying!”  _ I wouldn’t be losing my best friend. And it wouldn’t be my fault. _

“I…” Leo coughed, the force of it shaking his entire frame. He covered his mouth as he started to retch. Flower petals forced their way out of Leo’s mouth, the delicate pink petals stained red with blood.

Guang-Hong hit the wall behind him. It felt like someone had thrust a knife through his heart.  _ It hurts.  _ He ran his hand across his eyes and was startled when it came away wet.  _ God, it hurts. _

“I… can’t… I can’t do this.” His eyes darted down the hall. “I need to get out of here.”

“No, please, Guang…” Leo’s voice was a raspy whisper.

Guang-Hong barely registered the soft, desperate plea as he turned and fled down the hall.


	3. Is This Love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Panic attack. Skip to the break if this is triggering for you. tl;dr in the end comments.

_ He’s dying. He’s dying and it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault… _

Tears blinded him as Guang-Hong ran from Leo’s room.  _ I can’t…  _

_ I don’t know what to do. _

His breath was ragged, coming in quick, shallow gasps. Guang-Hong stumbled, nearly falling against the wall. He hit the wall with his fist weakly. “It’s not fair.”  _ He shouldn’t be dying. He should have told me how he felt, before it came to this. _

Guang-Hong grabbed his shirt above his heart, his body doubled over from the force of his crying.  _ Now I don’t even have a chance to figure out how I feel. Not before… _

_ I can’t breathe…  _ Guang-Hong gasped for air, his lungs refusing to fill.  _ Is this how it feels? Is this what Leo is going through?  _

_ Then it’s what I deserve. It’s my fault. _

His knees gave, sending him to the floor. The pain barely registered, his mind awash with grief and dispair as he struggled for air.  _ I feel so helpless. What am I going to do? Is there anything that I  _ **_can_ ** _ do? _

_ Is there any way that I can save him? _

Guang-Hong’s vision started to go black. He fought against the panic that filled his mind.  **_NO!_ ** _ I can’t pass out. He needs me.  _

_ Doesn’t he? _

_ Will he still want to see me? He’s dying. And it’s my fault. _

He forced himself to take as deep a breath as he could and tried to push the panicked feeling down.  _ I need to calm down.  _ Guang-Hong huffed out a half-hearted laugh.  _ Easier said than done. My best friend is dying because he’s secretly been in love with me for who knows how long. But besides that everything is fine. Calm down? Yeah, right. _

Guang-Hong’s breath seemed to stick in his throat, like something was blocking his airway.  _ Breathe, just breathe. You can’t pass out, Guang. If you pass out here, they’ll admit you. _

_ And then you won’t get to see him. _

He rested his hand on his chest and tried to force himself to take slow, measured breaths.  _ I can do this. I can calm down. So I can go back to him. _

_ He looked so hurt, so betrayed, when I left.  _

His chest hurt, like someone had stabbed him in the heart.  _ That look on his face just now, that was my fault. I need to go back. I need to apologize. I need to tell him how I feel. _

His eyes went wide.  _ How  _ **_do_ ** _ I feel about Leo? I… I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. He’s my best friend. We’ve been friends for so long, ever since we were juniors together. And I’m always so happy to see him. But does that mean that I  _ **_like_ ** _ him? _

_ Or am I just afraid that he’ll die if I don’t? _

Guang-Hong shook his head.  _ I don’t know. I’m so confused. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I wish someone would tell me. _

He dragged his arm across his eyes, trying to scrub away the tears still clinging to his lashes.  _ I need to get myself together. Clean myself up. I can’t go back looking like this, like I had a breakdown. It will only make things worse. _

Guang-Hong took a deep breath and forced himself to his feet. He glanced around and saw a sign for a restroom nearby.  _ There. I can get cleaned up. And then, maybe, I’ll be ready to face him. _

***

Guang-Hong tentatively made his way back down the hallway towards Leo’s room. His suitcase still sat against the wall outside of the room, a stark reminder of his headlong flight earlier.

His heart was beating erratically in his chest as he moved closer to Leo’s room.  _ Are his parents still here? I bet they hate me. I would, if I were them. _

Guang-Hong paused just outside the door. The room was quiet, save for the constant beeping of monitors.  _ They must have left. Is Leo asleep? Maybe I should leave. _

_ Just for a minute. I’ll go in just for a minute, just to make sure that he’s okay, or at least not worse than before. _

He stepped into the room. He gasped, his hand instinctively covering his mouth. Leo was even paler than before. The bed was angled to allow him to sit up. Leo’s chest was barely rising with his labored breaths. Guang-Hong felt tears traveling down his cheeks.  _ He wasn’t this bad before…  _

Leo turned his head slowly towards the door. His eyes were half lidded, as if he was struggling to stay awake. Leo lifted his hand off of the bed and reached out towards Guang-Hong, his hand shaking.

“You came back…?” Leo’s voice was barely a whisper, raspy and harsh.

Guang-Hong stepped into the room. He wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to keep himself together. “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “I… Leo, I’m sorry…”

Leo turned his head away. Guang-Hong’s breath caught in his chest.  _ Is it too late? Did I really screw up so badly that he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore?  _

He sighed, his whole body sagging with effort.  _ Maybe that would be better. If he really feels that way, he’ll get the surgery, right? He’ll live. _

“Leo… I screwed up. I panicked. I just… I’ve never really thought about it, and I don’t…” Guang-Hong ran his hand through his hair and took a step closer to the bed. “I’m just so overwhelmed and I don’t know how I feel. Not yet.”

“I know.” Leo’s response was so quiet that Guang-Hong almost missed it. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

Guang-Hong moved to stand next to the bed. He took Leo’s hand in his own.  _ It’s so cold… _

“Please, Leo. Get the surgery. I don’t care if you forget how you feel about me. I don’t care if you don’t feel anything towards me anymore. Please, get the surgery and live.”

Leo shook his head. Tears made their way down his face. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I can’t bear the thought…” His chest heaved. Leo’s eyes widened as his free hand flew to his mouth, barely covering it before he began to cough. The force of the coughing caused Leo to double over. Leo gasped for breath in between coughs. Guang-Hong blanched as he saw the bright red blood on Leo’s hand. The room filled with the scent of blood, mixed with the sickeningly sweet smell of peonies.

_ Is this it? Is he dying?  _ Guang-Hong stood, still clutching Leo’s hand in his.

An alarm sound issued from one of the monitors. A nurse rushed into the room, pushing Guang-Hong away from the bed. She was followed by a young man wearing different colored scrubs. “He shouldn’t be at this stage yet. Were the first scans wrong?”

The nurse shook her head. “We ran the scans twice.”

The doctor pursed his lips. “We need new scans. Something changed. It’s almost like he got rejected…”

Guang-Hong stumbled backwards and hit the wall. He slid down the wall, his body and mind completely numb.  _ He thinks…?  _ “Leo… I…” His voice was lost to the chaos of the room. 

_ No… I didn’t mean…  _ “I’m sorry…” His voice was barely a whisper, inaudible over the sounds of the monitors and the nurses who were quickly prepping Leo to be moved. One nurse held him upright as he continued to cough. She held a pan in front of him in an attempt to catch the blood and peonies that he was still coughing up. Guang-Hong blanched. 

_ He’s going to die. He’s really going to die.  _

_ And it is all my fault. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tl;dr: Guang-Hong panicked as he tried to come to terms with the fact that Leo loves him, and he isn’t sure how he feels about Leo.
> 
> I changed the chapter number, because there is no way this story is going to be only 6 chapters. At this point, I’m thinking 8 is more likely.


	4. I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay on the chapter. My beta and I have both been too tired and/or sick to edit for the past two weeks. From this point forward, future updates will be on Sundays instead of Wednesdays, to help avoid this issue in the future.

The room was quiet. It had been ever since the nurses had rushed Leo out of the room, over an hour before. Guang-Hong still sat on the floor, his back to the wall. His knees were pulled up to his chest. He hugged his legs tightly to his body, trying in vain to hold himself together.  _ What am I going to do? What  _ **_can_ ** _ I do? I’m not sure how I feel about Leo.  _

_ All I know is that I care about him, and I don’t want him to die. But does that mean that I love him? I don’t know. _

He rested his head on his knees and tried to ignore the tears that started to fall down his cheeks.  _ I hate this. I hate seeing him like this, knowing that he’s going to…  _ His breath hitched in his chest at the thought.

_ No, there has to be something. Something that the doctors can do, something that I can do to save him, right? Maybe I can convince him to have the surgery. Surely it’s not too late. _

_ His case is really advanced, isn’t it? Most people don’t get to the point where they are coughing up full flowers like that. Leo needs to get the surgery, if he still can. _

The thought made Guang-Hong’s chest ache.  _ I hate the idea of him getting the surgery…  _ He buried his head further into his arms in an attempt to block out the world.  _ I hate the idea that he might not feel that way about me anymore. _

A strained sob escaped his chest, his tears falling in earnest.  _ I shouldn’t care. I know I shouldn’t care. But… but… the idea of him falling out of love hurts. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt before. _

_ I don’t know what to do… _

***

_ He’s been gone a long time. Surely he should be back by now… _

Guang-Hong didn’t know how much time had passed since the nurses had rushed Leo out of the room.  _ It seems like a lifetime ago. Did something happen? Something must of happened, right?  _

The jarring sound of his phone ringing broke the silence. Guang-Hong yelped in surprise before reaching into his pocket with shaking fingers.  _ I don't really want to talk to anyone. _

He started slightly as his eyes, still blurry with tears, focused on the caller id.  _ Yuuri? _

Guang-Hong pressed the accept button. His voice was rough from his tears as he forced out, “Hello?”

“Guang-Hong? Phichit told me that you went to LA to see Leo? How is he?”

Guang-Hong choked back a sob.  _ No, he didn’t ask for this. Yuuri is my friend, but he doesn’t deserve to get all of this dumped on him just because he called. _

“So it’s that bad?”

Yuuri’s words snapped Guang-Hong out of his thoughts. He took a shaky breath. “Y… yeah. They… um… they took him to get new scans. But that was a while ago and…” 

“And you’re worried.”

Guang-Hong made a soft sound of agreement. “This is my fault.”

“No, it’s not. This is hanahaki. It’s no one’s fault. We can’t control who we love. It’s not your fault that Leo’s in love with you.”

Guang-Hong squeaked in surprise. “You knew?”

“With the way that Leo looks at you? We all knew.” Yuuri paused for a moment. “Now the important question is: how do you feel about him?”

Guang-Hong groaned. “I… I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. But I’m afraid. I’m so afraid that…”

“So he really is refusing the surgery? Phichit said that’s what social media is claiming.”

“Yeah…”

There was a long pause before Yuuri spoke again. “Guang-Hong… you can’t make him get the surgery. No one can. And that is one of the scariest parts of this disease. If they want to let love kill them, no one can stop them.”

Guang-Hong nodded. “I know. I just… it hurts. The idea that he would… that he might…”

“I know. I’ve been there, too.”

Guang-Hong started. “You… you have?”  _ I knew that Yuuri had hanahaki, before he and Victor got together. But it sounds like Yuuri is implying… _

“It’s not public knowledge, so don’t tell anyone, okay? But yes, Victor had hanahaki too. And he was just as stubborn about it as I was. As Leo is. But I know how you feel, watching someone that you care for go through this.”

Guang-Hong took a shaky breath. “What did you do?”  _ Maybe if I knew what Yuuri did, I can figure out what to do for Leo. _

“Well… hmmm… let’s just say that we worked out that we both were in love with each other? Neither of us had cases that were as far advanced as Leo’s though. He may really need to have the surgery, Guang-Hong.”

Guang-Hong barely stifled the sob that tried to force itself out of his chest. “I… I know… but…”

“The idea of him getting the surgery, of them cutting out his feelings for you, hurts?” 

Guang-Hong clenched his shirt over his heart, the pain there nearly too much to bear. “Y… yeah…”

Yuuri sighed. “Guang-Hong… I think that you’re in love with him, too.”

_ “WHAT?!?” _ He sputtered a moment before adding, “I can’t. I can’t be in love with him, can I? I’ve known him for forever, surely I would have noticed by now…”

“But if you were just his friend, even if you were his best friend, you would want him to get the surgery, right? You would be no worse off than you were before. It’s not like the surgery would make him forget you, just his romantic feelings towards you. The fact that the thought of him losing that bothers you so much means that you are in love with him, too.”

Guang-Hong moaned softly. “I think… you may be right… Which means that I’ve screwed this up. I don’t… how can I possibly fix this? I think that he felt like I rejected him?”  _ I didn’t, I just told him I didn’t know how I felt… but in retrospect I can see how he might think…  _

“And you’re afraid that he will think that you’re only saying that you love him to save his life. That is a problem.”

Guang-Hong sniffled. “What am I going to do?”

“I wish I could tell you. It’s going to be tough, I think, at this point. All you can do is try to make him feel loved.”

“How am I supposed to do that?”

Yuuri hummed softly. “Like you said, you’ve known Leo for a long time. You know all of the things that he likes. So maybe, as much as you can in the hospital, try to get those things for him? Just be there for him? Try to take his mind off of what is happening to him. And if you can’t convince him that you love him, try to convince him to get the surgery. Even though it hurts.”

Guang-Hong nodded. Tears slipped down his cheeks, he reached up and rubbed them away with his shirt sleeve. “O...okay… do you think it will work?”

“I don’t know. But at this point, it is the only chance that he’s got.”

***

An Hour Later

Guang-Hong looked up, his eyes bleary and barely focusing, as the nurses wheeled Leo back into the room. His breath caught.  _ He looks even worse than he did when they took him. I have never seen him look so pale, so… defeated… in my life. I… there has to be something that I can do to help him. _

“You stayed?” Leo’s voice was barely a whisper, and so harsh that Guang-Hong barely recognized it.

“Y… Yeah. I couldn’t leave, not when…”

Leo closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. He coughed weakly. “You should have left. You shouldn’t have to see this.”

Guang-Hong struggled to his feet, his muscles crying out in protest. He winced slightly as he moved closer to the bed, careful to stay out of the way of the nurses. “I want to stay.”  _ Please don’t send me away. _

“Why? Why would you want to stay? The doctor… he said…”

Guang-Hong’s breath caught in his throat.  _ Is it already too late?  _ “What did the doctor say?”

“He said that it’s stage four. That I have days, maybe a week at most, before it kills me.”


	5. Tu Guardián

_ No…  _ Guang-Hong felt hot, and then just as suddenly chilled to the bone. All he could hear was the sound of his own pulse.  _ He can’t… Isn’t there something that I can do? _

“I…” Leo coughed, his body spasming from the effort. Guang-Hong blanched at the coppery smell of blood, mixed with the sickly sweet scent of flowers. 

“I don’t want you to see this.” Tears clung to Leo’s eyelashes.

Guang-Hong took a deep breath and stepped closer to the bed. He took Leo’s hand and wrapped his smaller hand around it. Leo’s hand was as cold as ice. “I’m not leaving.”

“Why?” 

Guang-Hong forced a small smile. “I…” He sighed. “Um… I know that what I said hurt you. And it made this worse. I swear, that was the last thing that I wanted to do. I would never want to hurt you. I was scared. I still am.”

He cleared his throat in an attempt to calm his nerves. “I had a lot of time to think while you were gone. I know that you don’t have any reason to believe me, but I promise you that I mean this, from the bottom of my heart.”

He squeezed Leo’s hand gently. “I love you, Leo.”

Leo turned his head away from Guang-Hong. He moaned quietly. “I don’t know if I can believe you.”

“I know.” 

Leo coughed weakly. He rubbed his chest with the heel of his hand. “It hurts.”

“The coughing?”  _ I can’t even imagine how much it must hurt. The idea of coughing up flowers… the way that must feel… _

“That too.” Leo coughed harder, the force of the coughing making him double over. 

Guang-Hong squeezed his hand tightly.  _ What do I do? What can I do to help him? _

Leo retched as blood-soaked flowers forced their way out. Guang-Hong blanched at the sight. His bottom lip trembled as he struggled not to cry.

After what seemed like a lifetime, the coughing finally subsided. Leo’s breathing was rapid and shallow. Guang-Hong could hear him wheezing with every breath. There were at least a dozen full blossoms, sticky with blood, on the bed and the front of Leo’s hospital gown. Countless petals were stuck amongst the blossoms. 

_ He looks so pale… He’s really going to die.  _

Leo whined softly. He tried to clear his throat and winced.

Guang-Hong lowered Leo’s hand back onto the bed and released it. Leo looked up at him, his eyes bright, as if he were fighting back tears. Guang-Hong gasped.  _ I’ve never seen him look at me like that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look like that at all. _

Guang-Hong ran his thumb over the top of Leo’s hand. “Don’t worry, I meant it when I said that I wasn’t leaving. One little coughing spell isn’t going to send me running, okay?”  _ Not again, I won’t leave you again. And if that means that I have to watch as you die… then at least I know that you won’t be alone. _

“It’s just… just now, it sounded like you were choking. I thought you might need some water?”

Leo closed his eyes and nodded. 

Guang-Hong stepped closer to the bedside table, where the nurses had left a pitcher of water and a cup. He carefully poured water into the cup and carried it over to Leo. 

Leo’s hand shook violently as he reached up to take the cup from Guang-Hong.  _ He’s going to spill it all over himself at that rate. It’s bad enough that he’s covered in…  _ Guang-Hong shook his head, not willing to even think about it.  _ He doesn’t need to be wet, too. _

“Here, let me help you.” Guang-Hong held the cup steady. Leo took the straw and slowly drank. He leaned back against the bed and sighed softly.

“Is that better?” Guang-Hong set the cup off to the side.

Leo nodded. He closed his eyes and let his head rest back against the bed.

Guang-Hong chewed on his lower lip.  _ When I asked him if the disease was what hurt, his answer… What did he mean? Do I dare ask? _

“I can practically hear you thinking. Just say it.”

Guang-Hong swallowed hard.  _ I have a feeling that I am not going to like the answer to this question. But I have to know. Otherwise, I won’t know how to fix it... _

“Um… when you said that it hurt… what did you mean?” Guang-Hong’s heart beat almost painfully in his chest as he waited for Leo’s answer.

Leo sighed. The sound rattled in his chest. He looked down, away from Guang-Hong. His voice was barely more than a hoarse whisper. “I don’t know how… It’s hard to explain.”

Guang-Hong grabbed Leo’s hand. “Try?”

Leo balled his free hand into a fist. “It’s like… I don’t know. Like there is a knife in my chest. And everything seems to make it go in deeper and deeper. And it hurts.”

“Everything?”  _ He means me, doesn’t he? Everything that I’ve said, that I’ve done. As if the disease wasn’t bad enough. I’m causing him an untold amount of pain. _

Guang-Hong sniffled. “I… If I’m causing you pain, I could leave. But, I meant what I said. I love you, Leo. And I want to stay.”

Guang-Hong reached up and brushed a piece of hair back away from Leo’s face. “Please, let me stay?”

Leo whined softly. “Don’t leave me here alone. Please.” He looked up at Guang-Hong. There were tears running down his face. “I’m scared.”

Guang-Hong let out a long sigh.  _ Thank goodness. I was afraid that he might actually tell me to leave. And if that is what he really wanted… I guess I would have done it. But I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want him to suffer through this alone. _

“I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

***

A Few Hours Later

Guang-Hong leaned forward and rested his elbows on the bed. He had pulled a chair closer to the bed some time after the nurses had come to check on Leo, and to clean up the mess from his earlier episode. 

_ Leo struggled to stay awake after that, but I could tell that he was exhausted. So I just talked to him until he drifted off. He needs to rest. _

Guang-Hong reached up and brushed Leo’s hair back from his face. Leo let out a soft, raspy sigh. 

Guang-Hong frowned.  _ Everything must hurt. I’m glad that he’s asleep, at least he’s not in pain. _

“I hate that this is happening to you. You don’t deserve it.”  _ Really, no one does. _

He kept his voice soft and quiet, afraid that he might wake Leo. “I just… I hate to see you suffering like this. It is the worst thing that I’ve ever experienced.”

“I wish I was sick instead.”

Guang-Hong stiffened slightly as soon as the words left his mouth.  _ Do I? Really wish it was me in that bed instead of him?  _ He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  _ I think… I do. _

“Please, whatever higher power that might be out there, fate or God or whatever, please. Don’t let him die. I love him so much, I just don’t know what I would do…”

He lowered his head, his forehead resting on their joined hands. He didn’t bother to try and stop the tears that ran down his face.

“Don’t cry.” Leo’s voice was barely louder than a whisper. He tried to clear his throat and coughed harshly. 

Guang-Hong looked up in alarm. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t. I never really fell asleep. Just kinda dozed a little.” He rubbed the heel of his palm against his sternum. “Hurts too much.”

Guang-Hong sniffled. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. If… If I had just figured out how I felt sooner… If I hadn’t said those things… then maybe…”

Leo squeezed Guang-Hong’s hand weakly. “You didn’t do this. I did. I should have told you when it started. But I kept it a secret, for over a year.”

Guang-Hong’s eyes widened in surprise.  _ He kept his disease, his feelings, a secret for over a year? I didn’t know that he had been sick for that long! But, then again, for him to get to this point…  _

“If I had told you then, you would have had time to figure out how you felt… before we got to here.” Leo coughed, his body shaking from the effort. A few pink petals stuck to his hand. The edges of the petals were wilted and brown.

Leo rubbed his chest. “I messed up. It’s on me. Please, don’t blame yourself.” He swallowed roughly. “If I had told you, or if I could have believed you when you told me that you loved me, then maybe…”

“Don’t say it. Please. Don’t say what I know you are going to say.”

Leo nodded slowly. “I heard what you said, when you thought I was asleep. I believe you.”

Guang-Hong took in a sharp breath. “You do?”  _ He really believes that I love him? _

“Yeah.” Leo’s breath wheezed in his chest. His eyes widened as his chest spasmed. Leo doubled over as his body was wracked with coughing, harsher and deeper than any of the other episodes before. 

Guang-Hong’s breath caught as his eyes filled with tears. He reached over and hit the nurse call button.  _ This one is different. It sounds different, looks different from the episodes that he’s had before. _

_ Leo finally believes me, finally believes that I’m in love with him. But it’s too late… _


	6. Please Don't Go

_This is it, isn’t it? The final stage. I told him how I feel, and he believes me, but it’s too late to save him._

Guang-Hong held on to Leo’s hand, allowing Leo to squeeze it with what little strength he had remaining. _Anything to offer him even a little comfort. It’s not enough, but it is all that I can do._

The smell was overpowering, a mixture of blood and peonies, and a too-sweet smell that Guang-Hong couldn’t place. _It can’t be anything good. It probably means that…_

He didn’t even hear the nurse enter the room over the sound of Leo’s coughing. The nurse quickly moved closer to the bed. Her eyes widened.

Guang-Hong looked at her in alarm. Tears streamed down his face. _She’s going to tell us that he… that Leo is..._

The nurse moved to support Leo as his coughing continued. She held a pan in front of him to catch the blood and petals that he coughed up. Guang-Hong squeezed his eyes shut, the sight of them making him sick. 

It seemed to take forever for the coughing to subside. The nurse eased Leo back against the bed. His eyes were closed. Leo’s hand lay limply in Guang-Hong’s, all of his strength gone. Guang-Hong could hear the air in his lungs rattle with every breath he took. 

The nurse was studying the contents of the pan. 

Guang-Hong took a steadying breath. “It’s bad, isn’t it?” 

The nurse shook her head. “I need to page the doctor to have him confirm it, but I think this is good news. I think the hanahaki is dying.”

Guang-Hong’s breath caught in his throat. “You mean?”

“There’s hope.”

***

Twenty Minutes Later

Guang-Hong breathed a sigh of relief as the young doctor from before walked into the room. The doctor’s eyes widened a bit. He muttered quietly to the nurse, “He’s still here?” 

The nurse nodded. “And obviously he confessed. Look.” She held the pan out towards the doctor. 

“Hmm… that wilt is characteristic of dying hanahaki.”

Guang-Hong felt tears come to his eyes. “Really? It’s really dying?”

“Yes. But that doesn’t mean that he’s out of the woods quite yet.”

Guang-Hong tightened his hold on Leo’s hand. “Wha… what do you mean?” _The hanahaki is dying… that means that Leo is going to live, doesn’t it?_

“I’ve never seen a case this far advanced before, nor have I read about one in any journal. Not one where the person actually survived, that is. Usually when people get to this point, the hanahaki kills them. At this point, even when the hanahaki dies, the act of trying to expel the last of it is too much for the body to bear.”

Leo tried to clear his throat. His voice was quiet and raspy as he struggled to speak. “So I might still…”

The doctor nodded. “It is a possibility. Unlike in less advanced cases, your hanahaki won’t just fade away. It had time to take root. And now your body has to rid itself of it.” He turned to the nurse. “The next few hours will be crucial. I want someone in here with him continuously.”

The doctor turned towards Guang-Hong. “And you… you’re going to have to leave.”

“NO!” The word forced its way out of Guang-Hong’s mouth before he even knew what happened. “There is no way that I am going to leave him alone. Not like this.”

“It’s for your own good, and his. I promise you that you do not want to see what is going to happen.”

Guang-Hong shook his head. “I don’t care. I don’t care how horrible it might get.” He reached up and gently cupped Leo’s cheek. “I promised that I wouldn’t leave you, not as long as you wanted me to stay.”

The doctor sighed. “It seems that you don’t quite grasp the implications here. This is a _medical emergency._ You cannot be here.”

Guang-Hong tightened his grip on Leo’s hand. “If me being here gives Leo even the smallest amount of comfort, then I’m not leaving.”

The doctor rested his fingers on his forehead. He mumbled quietly, “And I thought that dealing with parents was difficult. This is why I got out of pediatrics…” He shook his head. “If you will not leave of your own accord, I will have to have security escort you out.”

Guang-Hong blanched. “I…” He sighed. “Okay, I’ll leave.” _I don’t want to leave Leo, but he means that they will remove me from the hospital, doesn’t he?_

Leo tightened his grip on Guang-Hong’s hand. He coughed, a few wilting petals forcing themselves out of his throat. Leo tried to swallow, to clear his throat. “Please…” 

“I know, I don’t want to. But I’ll be right outside, I promise. I won’t leave you.” Guang-Hong felt his heart clench in his chest. _So please, don’t leave me._

“Promise me?”

Guang-Hong nodded. “I promise. So promise me that you’ll fight?” _Promise me that you’ll make it through this. That I didn’t finally find this, just to lose it._

Leo struggled to answer. His eyes went wide as his chest spasmed. The force of the sudden coughing made him double over as he desperately gasped for air between coughs. 

“Get him out of here!” Guang-Hong felt a pair of strong arms grasp him around his waist and pull him away from the bed. 

_“No! Leo!”_ He reached out towards Leo as he was helplessly pulled away and dumped into the hall. He stumbled backwards until his back hit the wall on the opposite side of the hall.

Guang-Hong brought his fists up to his eyes, desperate to stop the tears as he slid down the wall. _What do I do? I can’t… they won’t…_

_What if he dies? What if this is the last time that I see him?_

“Hey, are you okay?”

Guang-Hong resisted the urge to laugh hysterically. _Do I look okay? No, I’m about the farthest thing from it right now._

He struggled to take a deep breath. “I… um… my…” _What is Leo to me? More than a best friend. But we didn’t, we haven’t really…_

“Let me guess. They kicked you out, right?”

Guang-Hong nodded slowly. 

He heard the person move closer. “Come on, this is a really bad place for you to be. Come with me, and I’ll get you some coffee? And we can find a place for you to wait. How’s that sound?”

Guang-Hong sniffled as he looked up. The woman standing in front of him smiled softly as she looked down at him and held out her hand. “Let’s find a quiet place, okay? Somewhere where we can sit.”

Guang-Hong nodded as he rubbed his sleeve against his eyes. “I… okay…” He bit his lip as he looked at the closed door of Leo’s room. 

“Worried that they won’t know where you went? Don’t fret, there’s a little alcove just around the corner. We’ll go there. The nurses will know to look for you close by.”

Guang-Hong took the woman’s hand and let her help him to his feet. “I… um… thank you.”

The woman patted his hand gently. “Of course. Come this way.”

Guang-Hong followed the woman down the hall, almost in a daze. _This all feels so surreal. I just can’t seem to process it all._

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Guang-Hong shook his head. “I don’t want to trouble you. I feel like I’ve been enough trouble as is.”

The woman scoffed. “Nonsense. I volunteer here at the hospital. This is what I do.”

As they rounded the corner, Guang-Hong noticed the alcove she had told him about. _I completely missed it when I came in. But then again, I didn’t really notice much. I was too focused on getting to him._

The woman led him into the alcove. Guang-Hong collapsed into one of the chairs that lined the walls. The woman knelt down in front of him. “What do you need? Coffee? Or maybe some water? I can find you some food too, if you’re hungry.”

Guang-Hong’s stomach rebelled at the mere mention of food. “No, I don’t think that I could eat anything.”

She patted his knee. “I understand. The stress is all but overwhelming, right?”

Guang-Hong nodded. He felt a tear make its way down his cheek. Guang-Hong rubbed it away. “I… I don’t know what to do. I feel so… helpless…”

“I know. And I can’t promise that everything will be okay.”

Guang-Hong felt like there was a weight on his chest, making it hard to breathe. He tried to take a deep breath, only to have it come out as a loud sob. He covered his eyes with his hands in an attempt to stop his tears. “I… just… what if that’s the last time…?”

The woman’s hand moved from his knee to his back, moving in calming circles. She remained silent. Guang-Hong’s heart ached as he cried, his mind going through all of the possible outcomes, always circling back to the one that he feared the most.

_What if he doesn’t survive this?_

***

Several Hours Later

Guang-Hong felt numb. He stared at the wall in front of him, but saw nothing. _I need to know what’s happening, but at the same time, I don’t want to know. If I don’t know, then I can pretend that Leo is okay, that he’s going to live. I can pretend that everything is going to be alright._

_But I’m afraid. I’m so afraid that he’s not. I’m afraid that, at any moment, a nurse or a doctor is going to come around that corner to tell me that…_

Guang-Hong stifled a sob at the thought. _No, I just have to keep telling myself that he’ll be okay. Right? I have to believe that everything will be okay. There’s no way that Leo has gone through all of this just to die now…_

He saw movement out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to look. A nurse walked into the alcove. She sighed. “You’re the one with Mr. De la Iglesia, right?”

Guang-Hong nodded. _What is she here to tell me? I almost don’t want to know. But I have to ask._ “How is he?”

“He managed to expel the hanahaki. But the process badly damaged his lungs and throat. They had to rush him into surgery. And the doctor isn’t sure that they’ll be able to save him.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will update Weekly on ~~Wednesdays~~ Sundays until it is completed. I have 4 chapters written, and I'm expecting it to be ~~6~~ 8 chapters (the story is longer than I thought originally) in total.


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